On September 16th our little baby girl turned one month old!
I never would have thought I could love someone as much as I love my child. It is truly amazing the kind of love that you develop when you bring a child into this world; nothing can bring you down when you are with them. This little girl's smile brightens my day despite the kind of day I am having; no matter how upset I am I know that I can look at her and feel so much better.
This first month has been the hardest of times for us. Leaving the hospital without my baby and having to adjust to a life without her by my side is the most difficult thing I think I have ever had to do. I still do not feel like a mother particularly because I don't do all of the motherly things a new mom usually does when she has her new baby with her. I don't get to change her diapers daily, wipe her spit up off of her face, comfort her when she cries, etc. on a daily basis and that is hard to think about.
Avalyn has grown so much and has gone through so much. She has learned how to breathe completely on her own, she has gotten over Jaundice, she has grown tremendously, and now she is learning to take a bottle. I am so proud of her! This little girl never ceases to amaze me!
I know that several of you have been asking me why she is not getting to nurse and well, let me tell you what I was told recently. She is technically not old enough to be taking a bottle, but because she was showing all of the signs (lip smacking, sucking on her fingers, sucking on a pacifier, etc), they decided to see how she does with a bottle. At 33 weeks gestation, my child is taking to a bottle like she has been doing it all her life! Most babies need to learn how to suck, swallow, and breathe all at the same time and my daughter did it all without choking the first time she was given a bottle. So this means that they are going to continue to keep giving her a bottle as long as she will take it and in a few weeks, when she is old enough, I will be able to try to nurse her. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to nurse and yes, I would agree with you, but if I were to try to nurse her all she would do is choke. She is not big enough or "skilled" enough to handle a giant boob just yet. I know that her nursing would solve my low milk supply problems almost instantaneously, but these things can't be rushed. At least I know that her belly is getting full at each feeding and that is all that matters. She gets what little milk I do make and to me that is enough (so everyone should kindly stop lecturing me on what I need to do as far as nursing, I've got this handled.).
As far as my low milk supply, it is to be expected when your child is hospitalized for a period of time. It has a lot to do with separation from baby and all I can do is to keep pumping, keep drinking lots of water, etc. I am currently taking Fenugreek supplements along with Mother's Milk Tea to help me out a little bit as well. I am giving power pumping a try too! Hopefully of this will help me keep things flowing until Ava does start nursing. I refuse to be put on prescription medicines until I talk to my doctor; I just don't trust the Lactation Consultants down here, considering how quick they are to shove medication down my throat. I have yet to receive valuable information from them as to other options before resorting to the medications. Of course there for a few days I did get incredibly discouraged and felt like a failure, but I knew I couldn't just quit.
Some other new experiences this month were the Baby Blues; boy were those rough! There were days where I would literally sit down and burst into tears for no apparent reason. I was constantly worrying over Ava and at times could not bring myself to sleep at night because of it. I got incredibly jealous over friends who are pregnant and those who had just had their children and were bringing them home from the hospital. I couldn't comprehend why everyone else got to enjoy their pregnancy without any problems or got to bring their babies home when I couldn't do those things. In my mindset, it was so unfair and it made me feel like I was being punished and that made my very, very upset. I would say things I didn't mean to say, scream and yell, cry, throw things, etc. I was like a different person! For awhile I feared that I was developing Post Partum Depression, but things slowly started to feel a little more normal after about three weeks.
I do still occasionally find myself getting upset when I see my friends having baby showers (I didn't get to have the proper one), friends getting everything they need from their friends and family (we still have a huge list of things still needed for Ava when she comes home), and friends just being pregnant in general. But I try to tell myself that everything that has happened, has happened for a reason. I have my "off" days just like every new mom does.
As a new mother, the one thing that I do love being able to do is to take care of Ava as much as I am able to. I love being able to take her temperature, change her diapers, bathe her, change her bedsheets, do her laundry...I love everything about it! The one thing that I do not love is being told what to do and how to do them; don't get me wrong, the nurses down here are pretty wonderful and I understand that they get busy, but I can't stand it when they hover over me and tell me what to do. I always want to yell at them to just give me what I need and then leave! I know what means what when monitors beep/go off, I know how to pick my child up and handle here. It is my JOB, it is what I was MADE FOR. Every nurse is different but when you tell me I can't pick up my child or hold her, you have better watch your back or I may just trip you or something. But one thing I can't deny is how wonderful the NICU has been to my daughter; if it weren't for her being there I don't think she would be with us today.
*A lot of you have been asking me what all do we still need for Ava and I never seem to have the heart to actually ask for anything since we have been given so much already! But since everyone keeps asking me, I suppose it won't hurt to announce it? Of course you all know that any help is always appreciated, but all we truly ask for is your thoughts. :)
-Anything cloth diaper related, such as: cloth wipes, cloth wipe solution, cloth diaper detergent (not Dreft, that is for baby's clothes and bedding), diaper covers (we prefer one sized), prefolds (unbleached preferably), All in Ones, or any Pockets, and wet bags.
-Hooded towels
-Tommee Tippee bottles, nipples, or pacifiers.
-Baby swing
-Toys (please no more stuffed animals ;] )
-Crib mattress
-Crib sheets
-First Aid kit for baby (thermometer, etc.)
-Baby beauty supplies (nail clippers, brush, nail file, shampoo, lotion, etc.)
...etc...
For the most part our first month has been a difficult, but productive one. I try to keep telling myself that soon our baby will be home with us and soon our family will be complete. But until then I am going to do my best to stay strong for all of us; like Brian. :) I don't have any idea how he can maintain his cool 24/7 but I aim to be just like him.
**Thank you again to all of you who have helped us out and if you wish to help us in any way, shape, or form please feel free to message me on Facebook, email me, text me, call me, etc. :) If anyone knows of any ways or has suggestions on how I can get help with anything, please feel free to contact me. Like I have said before, any help is greatly appreciated.
