I know quite a few of you have been wondering what has been going on with this momma this passed week. Well, instead of rambling on in a Facebook status or note, I thought I would just share it with you all here.
Alright, here it goes!
So, as many of you know, Brian enlisted in the Marine Corps. back in 2010 and we have been together since the very beginning. Well, some things were said between him and I recently and it has really kind of been bothering me. I told him how much a hate the life of a military wife...being home alone, being forced to relocate to new cities, going through the difficulties of meeting new people, dealing with ridiculous amounts of unnecessary drama, my husband being gone anywhere from a day to a few weeks at a time...yeah, what is to love about all of that?!
He told me that I chose this life and that I had an option to leave when he enlisted. Umm, HELLO?! That is so wrong! How are you given the option to leave the one person who has ever made you feel complete?! Him and I both knew that from the moment he enlisted (which he did behind my back, btw) that I was not going to go anywhere.
I have had to deal with so much just so I can be with him! Boot camp, S.O.I., B.S.G., being forced to say goodbye to my fiance, having to push our wedding date back FOUR times before he was finally able to come home for us to get married, not getting to go on a honeymoon, not being able to live with my husband for the first two months of our marriage, being by myself in a new town twice now, and now having to take care of our child practically on my own.
Yes, I know that I signed up for all of this, but I did not have an option. I agreed to be with him until his enlistment was complete and we could become normal people again; we still have two and a half years to go. Not being with him was not an option. So believe me when I say it frustrates me when I am told that I "asked for this" and that I knew what I was in for.
Besides, how can anyone really ever know what they are in for when they are married to the military?? No one told me how hard it was going to be. No one told me how lonely it would be. No one told me how there would be so many times you just want to throw in the towel and quit. I had to learn how to do all of this on my own. There may be other wives out there who are rolling their eyes at me and commenting on how it truly is not that bad, but from my experiences, this sh*t sucks!
I was not born strong. I was not a strong person growing up. In fact, I was quite the opposite. I was weak and always let my emotions get the best of me. I still do at times! From what I have learned these passed three years it has taken me a lot of time to become as strong as a lot of people think. I spend many nights crying in my husbands arms and telling him how much I can't stand being tied to the military. And what does he tell me almost every time? "I can't do anything about it." or "Everything will be fine, just stop worrying." It drives me completely nuts when he says that, especially since all I want him to do is just tell me that he will fix it.
But unfortunately he can not fix it.
Every morning he is forced to get up and leave me alone with his daughter all day. I bet this just sound ideal right?! Being a stay at home mommy has its perks, I will agree to that. But when you have an eight month old baby who is teething, going through separation anxiety and screams all day, you bet your butt you would want a break! I feel terrible for saying that I need to get away from my child for a day or two...or several...but it is the truth. I get so frustrated with feeling like a single mom some days.
Now I know what you are all thinking right now...
"Why are you complaining!? Your husband comes home every night! Mine doesn't."
Yes, that is unfortunate that your husband is not home with you. I know things probably suck a million times more than my situation. You are my hero for being able to deal with all of that. But the fact of the matter is that this is MY situation. I know I could have it much much worse than I do. I am lucky that Brian is able to come home every night; in fact it is a luxury compared to what his schedule used to be back in Kings Bay.
But all of that will change in February.
We will be going through our first deployment.
Brian will be leaving Avalyn and I for six months. Truthfully, I think knowing that I will have to endure that is what has really been getting to me, thus causing all of these other issues to arise. I try so hard not to think about how many months I have left with my husband (it is now down to eight months). I try so hard not to stress out over the things I have to overcome in order to prepare for the deployment. If you don't know me personally, you may not know that I do not have a driver's license. Go ahead, poke fun at me, ask me why, etc. etc. I have heard it all.
"How can you live without a license?!" Well it is easy. I have been doing it for years.
"Why haven't you gotten one?" Because I am freaking TERRIFIED of driving. It stresses me out. And I hate it.
So where am I going with all of this?
Well, I have been planning a trip home to Illinois for Ava's first birthday in August. Brian came home from work one day telling me that there is going to be a leave block in June; we both decided that it would be for the best to just take the leave in June so we wouldn't run the risk of not getting leave approved for August.
Awesome right?!
Yes, I was ecstatic! I would be going home with my little family to have a big bash of a birthday party for my baby girl. All I wanted more than anything was to give her the best first birthday; one spent with friends and family.
We decided on a theme, started to get things for the party, and started to plan our trip home. I even made an adorable tutu dress for her to wear at the party. I had not made the official announcement that we were coming home since the dates were not approximate, but I did tell a few close friends from home and we were all excited to see each other again. I started filling out birthday invitations and was thinking about how happy I would be to finally have all of my family meet my daughter for the first time. It is crazy that she is almost a year old and everyone has not met her yet.
Ready for the bad news??
Brian came home on Monday and told me that they changed the dates for the leave block, that it is now in May. I thought, "Ok, this will be tough to swing, but I think we can manage.". But then he proceeded to tell me that he can only take the leave if he has enough days of leave saved up. My thoughts were, "Well that should be fine, we have not taken leave since Christmas.". Then he told me that the time we took for the PCS took away from any leave we had saved up. I didn't quite fully understand what that meant. He logged into his M.O.L account to see how many days of leave he had left since our move and when I saw that there were only 12 days on there, I had to walk away. I didn't want him to see my cry; which is ridiculous considering how many times he has seen me cry before.
Basically it came down to we use the 12 days to come home for our daughter's birthday and then only have roughly two weeks of time saved up for pre-deployment leave; spend only two weeks with him before he leaves for six months. Or save the leave days we have saved up and not come home for Christmas and use all of the days we have accumulated for the pre-deployment leave in January; which would be spent at home.
It was a very hard decision to make and I am still torn up about it. How could I be forced to choose between my daughter's first birthday and spending time with Brian before he leaves for six months?! I am feeling really bitter about all of it. I didn't really want to talk to anyone; I still kind of don't.
I hate how it feels like the Marine Corps. has taken away so many experiences for us.
Those I have spoken to told me to go ahead and have the big birthday party here, but that just is not possible. I know for a fact that none of our families would make the commute here to North Carolina to celebrate with us. I don't know enough people here to have a big party for her either. I was planning a small party here for the few friends I do have, but it just is not the same. I honestly don't even want to bother with a party anymore and that kills me. I hate how she has to suffer for it in the long run; she truly has no idea, but that is not the point. You only turn one year old once.
All of this has been floating around in my thoughts all week and has turned me into one of those wives I never wanted to be. I know that I whine and complain a lot, but I have earned the right to do so. I know that I slip into these weird moods where I want nothing to do with anyone, but can you blame me? I know that I will eventually get over it, but I feel like I have a legitimate reason to be upset.
I am trying really hard not to take it out on Brian since it is not his fault.
Anyways, there you have it.
That is what has been bothering me all week.
I am not looking for sympathy.
I just needed to get it off my chest.
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