In a little more than two weeks our baby girl will be a month old...holy moly! I can not believe that time is flying by so quickly! I wish that I could say that I want it to slow down, but I want time to fly by even quicker so I can bring Ava home!
Life as a mommy to a preemie baby has been so bitter sweet. Everyone is constantly asking me how I am doing and I can never seem to give anyone an honest answer. Why? Because I don't really ever know how I am doing. I suppose I can say that I am on edge all of the time because I never know when the phone rings if it is going to be the hospital calling to tell me something has gone wrong. You never have a solid moment when you aren't thinking about the well being of your child.
A part of me always wants to stay in bed with the blankets over my head, pretending that none of this has happened to me. Another part of me forces myself out from under those covers and tells me that I have to do this for my daughter. I no longer plan for the future because I feel like if I start planning, I will be setting myself up for disappointment. So, instead Brian and I take life day by day. Everyday is a milestone not only for us, but for Avalyn as well; each day that we get through is a day closer to her coming home.
I am not going to lie and say that being away from my baby is easy because it isn't. I have had several moments where I literally just sat there and cried because all I wanted was for her to be home with us or to just hold her. But every time I see her photo I tell myself that this is all for her benefit and that she wouldn't want her mommy to be crying and upset.
I have my good days and I have my bad days. My bad days generally consist of being moody and snippy towards Brian or my sister or the dog or anyone else who comes across my path. There are times I don't even know why I am so annoyed! Little things set me off; the other day I cried over spilt breast milk for goodness sake! There are days when I get so depressed over seeing my friends who are still pregnant that I can't stand it. It really bothers me that I didn't get to experience so many things about being pregnant and I really hate myself for that considering I have the most wonderful bundle of joy that any girl could ever ask for.
It is all so worth it to see that adorable little face!
Speaking of that little face, she is doing extremely well! This weekend she was moved to the other side of the NICU; I like to call it the quieter side because it is much quieter over there! The babies over there are bigger and a lot of them are not hooked up to as many machines so there isn't a lot of beeping sounds or monitor sounds going off. We were told that her moving was a very good thing and I would have to agree. Since she has moved she gained two ounces within a day and is now getting fed up to 20cc per feeding; Brian calls her a hungry hippo. We have also noticed that she is becoming more and more alert/responsive to our voices. The other night when Brian was kangarooing her, she was smiling up a storm while I was talking to her; it was the most adorable thing in the world! The first time you see your baby full on smile you will feel like you just won the lottery. That smile melts my heart!
Kangarooing has been a phenomenal experience and it is something that I look forward to every time we go to visit Ava. If you are not aware of what kangarooing is, it is a technique practiced on infants where the infant is held skin to skin with an adult, generally the mother or father. *It helps maintain the baby's body warmth, regulates their heart and breathing rates, helps with their weight gain, gives mom a better chance of successful breastfeeding, etc. Brian and I take turns each visit kangarooing particularly because I want him to have as much time with her as he can because once she comes home we won't know what is going to be happening as far as work. He will be coming up on his two years here at Kings Bay and may be receiving orders sometime after that. We have no idea if those orders will send us to California or South Carolina or if they will mean a deployment; so her being held by him is so important to me right now. I love seeing him holding her and hearing him talking to her. She is definitely going to be a daddy's girl.
So what does a new mother do when she has to leave her baby behind at the hospital, you ask? Well, I spend a lot of my time breast pumping and getting everything prepared for when little miss is able to come home. For Brian this means putting furniture together and hanging things on the wall and just paying attention to me; the nurses informed him before we left the hospital that his job was to make sure I didn't develop postpartum depression and that I didn't over exert myself.
Getting back into the swing of things like cleaning and laundry have been interesting to say the least. I haven't been allowed to do a lot of the things that I can do now for so long that it feels strange and it tires me out so quickly. I had been hoping that after having Ava that I would jump right back into the swing of things before I was pregnant, but that wasn't the case. I neglected to do much of anything the first week back home because half the time I couldn't keep myself awake long enough to do anything!
Needless to say my recovery has been an experience all on its own that no one really warned me about. Someone really should warn you that when you have stitches, squatting to pick something up is not recommended! I was so used to squatting while pregnant that I didn't think twice to bend over and well, I paid for it with a little bit of pain. You become best friends with ice packs and stool softeners. Your breasts never stop leaking and all sense of embarrassment just goes right out the door when they start to hurt and the only sense of relief is whipping them out. Oh, I can't forget about the excessive sweating and how quickly you shouldn't rush to try on your pre-pregnancy pants because you will have some sort of muffin top (if you are anything like me). You can't work out or have sex until after your 6 week check up; not that you will want to do either! And I swear my sense of taste has changed! I hated the taste of ginger ale before I was pregnant and while I was pregnant and now I can't seem to get enough of the stuff! That "preggo brain" that everyone experiences while pregnant, yeah, that doesn't go away! You are still just as scatter brained and forgetful as you were while pregnant.
Another after effect of labor that I have definitely noticed is EVERY baby you see makes you go, "Awwwwwww!". Even baby animals or baby bugs...yes, bugs. Don't ask! Anything baby related makes you feel like you have to have it for your baby regardless of if it is for a baby boy and you have a baby girl. I am not kidding, you will not care if it has blue cars on it, you will want to put your daughter in EVERYTHING. That may or may not be true for every mother, but I think I have been that way just because I am not allowed to put clothes on my baby until she gains two pounds; all she can wear right now are diapers that swallow her and these adorable little knitted caps.
I wish I could say that my postpartum experience has been more eventful while at home, but to be honest, it hasn't been. The most thrilling part of my experience has been hearing about all of my baby girl's progress and how happy I am while at the hospital with her. I know, who would have thought I would ever associate a hospital visit with being happy?! But like every mother, I do look forward to her milestones and seeing her grow even if it isn't at home (at least for now!).
On a complete side note, I have to give a huge congratulations to my neighbors on the arrival of their beautiful baby girl, Isabella!! She is a very beautiful baby and I simply can not wait for the three of them to come home so I can meet her. <3
*All information found on the March of Dimes' website.
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